I chanced upon this very interesting article on the internet today (MSN Lifestyle)…and I thought, maybe, just maybe…I could be of use to somebody today…other than being the internet junkie that I am. Some simple tips from the real experts:
1. Never underestimate the power of a compliment.
"Every day, tell your partner about one thing they did that you appreciate. Everybody is quick to let their partner know what they didn’t do right, and what made you angry. Make sure you balance this with what they do that pleases you. From the small things to the big things, the more you say ‘Thank you,’ the more of what makes you happy will come your way."
—Jane Greer, Ph.D., couples therapist and author of Gridlock: Finding the Courage to Move On in Love, Work, and Life
2. Sex: Just do it.
"Have sex—even when you don’t want to! Many times, arousal comes before desire. Once you get going, you’ll probably find yourself enjoying it. And the more you experience sex, the more your body will condition itself to want it. You’ll feel more sensual and energized, and your partner will pick up on this sexy change."
—Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago and author of The Passion Prescription
3. Listen more, talk less.
"Communication is 85 percent listening and 15 percent talking. The more you listen, the more you’ll enhance communication. Try getting out of the house, taking a long walk without your cell phones, and just looking into your partner’s eyes and listening to him. It’s an amazing thing in a relationship when you truly feel listened to!"
—Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., founder of eHarmony.com and author of Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons
4. Sweep your problems (the little ones) under the rug.
"It really is okay to drop certain subjects and not even come back to them. People think this means you’re avoiding key issues. But for everyday little things, successful couples agree to ignore the small problems. It’s not worth the aggravation to insist on winning everything."
—David Wexler, Ph.D., executive director of the Relationship Training Institute in San Diego and author of When Good Men Behave Badly
5. Treat your love like a cherished friendship.
"The happiest couples relate to each other with respect, affection, and empathy. They choose their words carefully, avoiding the most poisonous relationship behaviors—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling— and feel emotionally connected."
—John Gottman, Ph.D., cofounder of the Gottman Institute in Seattle and author of 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage
6. To change your relationship, change yourself.
"In most relationships, we think, I’m right, you’re wrong, and I’ll try to convince you to change. The truth is, if one person changes, the relationship changes. People say, ‘Why do I have to change?’ But when I show them how to tip over the first domino, their only question is, ‘Why did I wait so long?’"
—Michele Weiner-Davis, couples therapist and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage
7. Watch out for harsh comments—they hit harder than you think.
"When you’re tired or frustrated, it’s easy to slip into being critical of your partner. But remember, negative expressions and comments and behaviors hold much more weight than positive interactions. Make sure that for every one negative interaction, you have five positive interactions to counteract it—a touch, a laugh, a kiss, an act of love, a compliment."
—Scott Haltzman, M.D., psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men
8. Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it…twice.
"Try being adventurous in bed. Even if you don’t like something, give it at least two chances before you give up on it—it may grow on you!"
—Laura Berman, Ph.D.
9. Be the first to offer the olive branch.
"Often when there’s a problem, each person will wait for the other to take the initiative to work things out. But the longer you wait, the more frustrated you both get and the worse you feel. Try making the first move to break a stalemate. It doesn’t mean that you’re giving in. You’re getting the ball rolling, rather than being stuck."
—Norman Epstein, Ph.D., marriage researcher and family therapist at the University of Maryland
10. How to be a couple and still be free.
Give the love you want to get. "Put out lots of love and appreciation and doing your share, and you’re much more likely to get it back. Put out demands and complaining, and you’ll get that back too."
—Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., couples therapist and author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free
11. Fight for your love.
"I’ve never seen a decent marriage where there wasn’t a lot of conflict. Conflict is always the result of uniqueness, the differences between two people rubbing up against each other. Lots of people try to shut themselves down in order to avoid conflict, but any two people living full and vibrant lives are going to clash at some point. If you manage it carefully and thoughtfully, conflict can actually give your marriage a shot of energy. You can have a broader, fuller, more interesting relationship."
—Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.
12. Sex matters; couple time matters even more.
"Often couples focus on scheduling sex and working very hard on their sex life, and they don’t get anywhere. But when they focus instead on spending time together—going to the movies, working on a project together—then often a better sex life will grow out of that."
—Ian Kerner, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of She Comes First and He Comes Next
13. Don’t get caught up in right or wrong.
"It’s easy to fall into a power struggle of who’s right and who’s wrong, but that prevents you from actually solving the real problem. You’re not going to be punished for being wrong, so don’t worry about who’s right—work together to solve the problem."
—Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
14. Feed your relationship.
"People often make their own needs a first priority, and then say they can’t get what they want out of the relationship. It’s like going to your garden and saying, ‘Feed me,’ and you haven’t put any plants in the ground. Make your relationship your first priority. Maybe your relationship needs more time, more vacation. Maybe you need to put in more positive statements or more moments of connection. Become partners in taking care of this relationship. If you get couples engaged in a mutual project, which is their relationship, no matter what they come up with, it’s good. It’s the working together that does it."
—Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., founder/director of Imago Relationships International and author of Getting the Love You Want
15. Words are like food—nurture each other with good ones.
"Say things such as ‘I love you,’ ‘I really appreciate that,’ ‘I’d love to hear your thoughts about…you name it.’ And use more empathetic words, like, ‘It seems like you’re struggling with this.’ You’ll communicate genuineness and respect, and make your partner feel loved."
—Alan Hovestadt, Ed.D., president of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
16. Never mind equality; focus on fairness.
"Everything doesn’t have to be 50/50. Having a sense that each person is doing what’s fair—even if it’s not always equal—is what really makes a happy marriage. That applies not just to housework, but to the relationship itself."
—Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Ph.D., co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University
17. Remember that you were partners before you were parents.
"If you have children, don’t forget about your own connection and relationship and put everything into the children. Make relating to each other one-on-one—not just as parents, but as lovers—a priority."
—Lou Paget, sex educator and author of The Great Lover Playbook
18. Learn how to communicate without saying a word.
"We are profoundly affected by touch, both physically and emotionally. Happy couples touch each other frequently. A caring touch offers a simple acknowledgment of your partner, saying, ‘Way to go’ or ‘I know that was difficult for you,’ without words."
—Alan Hovestadt, Ed.D.
19. Pay back your partner using his or her currency.
"Each of us wants our mate to pay us back for our contributions, to give us positive reinforcement. But this payment needs to be in currency that we recognize. A wife may say, ‘The way I show I care is that I make his bed every day,’ but if he doesn’t even notice that, it’s ineffective. Get to know what your partner is looking for and make sure you speak his language."
—Scott Haltzman, M.D.
20. Draw on your successes as a couple.
"One way to bring out the best in a relationship is to focus on what you’ve done right in the past. For example, if you’re trying to break a habit of bickering a lot, think back to a time when you were bickering but ended it differently, with humor or by dropping it or in some other way. Every couple has a big list of experiences when they handled things well, and it’s important to draw on this catalog of successes, rather than just focusing on the times when thing sended negatively."
—David Wexler, Ph.D.
21. Dream a big dream for your relationship.
"When two people dream a great dream for their marriage, they typically see their relationship take a dramatic step in the direction of that dream. Start dreaming big—envision where you want your lives and your relationship to be in 10 years. Then let yourself be inspired by these dreams to make whatever changes are necessary to live these dreams out."
—Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.
22. See things through each other’s eyes.
"A lot of conflict comes from always putting a negative spin on what your partner does. Instead of telling yourself that your partner is being thoughtless or irritating, try to think about it from the other person’s point of view—ask yourself, What is going on inside that would make him or her act that way? The behavior might still be a problem, but being aware of your partner’s intention can change how you view the problem, and make it easier to communicate about it."
—David Wexler, Ph.D.
23. Cultivate trust to grow intimacy.
"Trust issues are like sparks in a dry forest—you want to deal with them as fast as you can, whether it’s something major, like an affair, or something smaller, like a wife sharing intimate things about her marriage with her best friend. You have to remove the reasons for lack of trust so that you can both feel safe sharing yourselves deeply."
—Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D.
24. Never lose sight of the romance.
"It’s important to keep setting aside time for romance. It doesn’t always mean that you have to go out for dinner or take a trip. Be imaginative. In fact, I think it’s better to have little romantic episodes more often than to have one romantic blowout a year. You want this romantic feeling to be threaded through all your days, so it becomes part of the lifeblood of the marriage."
—Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Ph.D.
